When one decides she is going to become a great conductor she must accept that she will be an eternal student. I suppose most people would find that fact discouraging; I found that fact freeing. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had permission to fill my brain with all the knowledge it could handle.
I think most people know who Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is. Most musicians will play his music at some point in their academic and professional careers. I’ve spent almost a year studying the scores of his violin and piano concertos along with a hand full of his symphonies. While increasing my Mozart repertoire I found myself wanting to know who Mozart was as a complete person.
Currently, I’m reading a few biographies and a few books containing Mozart’s letters. Reading between the words and opinions to get a sense of his character. So far, I’m only at his childhood. Most of the accounts are from his father, Leopold Mozart.
Papa Mozart seems like someone smart and resourceful when it comes to handling finances. He saw the musical talent his son was gifted with and sought to share with the world how brilliant his children were. Papa Mozart was quite the entrepreneur, I think young Mozart enjoyed himself while touring through Europe. Why not make a living doing what you enjoy?
Jan Swafford’s biography on Mozart is quite insightful (also a joy to read.) He pointed out that a key to Mozart's success is that he believed in himself. Of course, people throughout history will attribute his success to him simply being a genius. But the world is full of geniuses. One of the curses of being an intelligent person we tend to be smart enough to see our flaws and shortcomings. We are our own worst critics. I think that’s true for everyone.
What if we decide not to listen to that part of ourselves? What if we just are like Mozart and believe in ourselves? I wanted to try it.
I used to feel self-conscious about my art. That my concept of making art about what I see when listening to music was dumb. I love painting and drawing because it's a way to communicate what I see in music. But it's also scary; what if people don't like it? So that means they don't like who I am.
I decided to just make art because it's what I love to do. If people don't like it then that's their problem. Their opinions about me really aren't my business. Of course, it wasn’t easy. When faced with new things our minds will be quick to steer us back to what’s comfortable. It’s a survival instinct.
Whenever that voice came back, the one that says “I’m not good enough” or “I’m stupid”, I just ignored her. When words of criticism showed themselves in social media comments I ignored them too. When you throw yourself at your work, when you put all of your energy into learning and creating, the voices of self-doubt become drowned out. Unfortunately those voices never truly go away. The scars they left behind will still demand attention. Some days become more difficult than others.
Knowledge is power. My love of learning is power. Just like an orchestral score offers a bird's eye view of a symphony, practicing empathy can give us a bird's eye view of ourselves. Seeing every part of myself, my talents as well as my flaws. I remember someone saying that the best kind of love is one that is unconditional. So why not love ourselves unconditionally?
With unconditional self-love, I accepted every part of me. The good and the bad and everything in between. Through fostering my love of learning I figured out how to overcome my shortcomings. building my self-confidence and inner strength to face whatever I may encounter. All while believing in who I am.
From Mozart, I’ve learned that the concept of believing in one’s self is a very powerful thing. When we start to believe in who we are and that we can become whoever we want to be.